soultrippy

change of blogs.

2007-03-04T20:26:00.000+05:00

yes,
i have moved again.
im hoping wordpress would be treating me well.

i'm at the following address now,

soultrips.wordpress.com

see you all there.

Blogwordoftheday: Story

2007-02-15T20:56:00.000+05:00

boy meets girl online.
they fall in love.
boy lives in a land far far away.
they plan to meet.
it doesn't work out.

5 years go by.

boy and girl still in love with each other.

one problem.

they still haven't met.
but they are still together.

that's my story.

have i got a little story for you

2007-02-10T15:29:00.000+05:00

im going to continue the story from where i left it.

so after i was better,
and i could stand on my own two feet and walk around..
i decided to buy my own house.

i thought since the case is over,
and i'm mashallah okay now,
it's time that rich and fish and the likes go back home,
and i can move on with my life.

i asked fish to find me a house,
even a small one,
so i could just move in there.

when i told fish this,
and rich found out that i was planning on moving out,
he blew it.

he was concerned,
and he wanted me to stay with him because he thought there was still danger for me out there.
i'll spare you the details of the arguments with rich and what all followed,
but to cut the very long story short;
i managed to convince him and talked him in to letting me go.

fish found a small house for me,
and he said that him and nd will stay with me and settle me in.

so one cold night of january,
(i forget the date,)
nd, fish and i left the rich house and off i was to be at my new house.

the plan was to meet S in the morning,
she would drop by before going to work,
and then come again in the lunch break.

it was all good.
everything was settled.
i would meet S,
and our life would be normal once again.

but clearly.
that was too much to ask for.

we were half hour down the road when cars came from every direction,
stopped us.
fish and nd got out but they all had guns and they wanted me.

they were some random pakistani men.
they took me out of the car,
took me to one of their cars and sped away.

as far as i can remember,
they hit fish and nd and then left.

they brought me to a house.
made me sit on a cold iron chair.
tied my hands at the back.
tied me completely with ropes.

the time was around 5am because i could hear the fajar azaan.

then one man came,
and hit me in the face.
took off my shirt.
my shoes.
my socks.
my pants.
that's what they kept doing for about 4 hours off and on.

at 9am,
their boss came.

he was also a pakistani.

he came and splashed cold water on my face and sat in front of me.

asked me who i was.
i said if you don't know who i am then there is something very wrong here.

he hit me with his foot where it hurts the most.

he yelled and asked me again who i was.
i told him my name and he was who the fuck are you.
then he said things like you have friends in these agencies,
you know people in the Pakistani army.
he asked me who i worked for.

i didn't know what he wanted to hear so i remained quiet.
he hit me again.

when i spoke,
he hit me then too.

he left me.

that room was cold.
and it was january.

i wasn't wearing anything except for my boxers,
and everytime my eyes would close..
they'd come and splash freezing cold water on me.

i was tied.
it was a dark room.

they wouldn't let me pee.
they wouldn't feed me.

i was there since 5 in the morning.

the cycle continued till about 7 in the evening.
that's when rich came,
and there were men around me and they were arguing and yelling.

i had no clue what was going on.
i was completely disoriented.

rich was able to get me untied.
but that didn't help me much.
they untied me,
and left me there.
i fell on the cold floor,
and i just lay there.

that's the last thing i remember.

i'm told that fish came and at 11,
he came and picked me up and took me to the hospital.
i couldn't stay there for a long time either,
it was unsafe.

i was there for one night.
the next day,
i was shifted.

my body was okay,
but broken in to a million little pieces.
it's been a month and i still have problems swallowing food.

for 2 weeks,
i survived completely on fluids.
even water hurt.

i couldn't speak.
my tummy hurt.
my back hurt.
my fingers hurt.
my leg hurt.
my head hurt.

my face was broken.
my lips were bruised.
i lost 4 more teeth.

i don't know how i survived those 18 hours.
but i did.

i'm still running.
still hiding.
i have no home at the moment.

i move every 2 days.

how i got to running and hiding,
is a new story altogether.

but for now.

i'm still alive.

"Is something wrong, she said
Well of course there is
Youre still alive, she said
Oh,
And do I deserve to be
Is that the question
And if so...if so...who answers...who answers..."

oh nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

2007-02-10T10:52:00.000+05:00

this is the last time i can log in to my old blogger.
this is moving to blogger beta tooo,
and i don't EVEN HAVE A CHOICE.

GRRRRRRR.

thank God i recently moved all my postings from here to wordpress.
or i would have lost them to blogger just like my old posts of pkblogs.com/soultrips.

most unhappy.

i don't know what i will do with this fucking beta blogger.
it better work.

blogger just managed to ruin a perfectly good morning.

5 years

2007-02-01T18:46:00.000+05:00

yup.

that is how long S and I have been together today.

"Dance with me
Dance with me
All night long
We are the music
We are the song"

a different kind of blue

2007-01-31T20:18:00.000+05:00

"My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I can't explain, you would not understand."

so much has happened since the last time i wrote properly,
i felt it was time to update my blog and let everyone know what all has been happening.
i'll write it in parts because it will be too much information in one go.

be prepared to hear something strange,
something beautiful.

the week after new years is when it all began.

the first week of january.

i was lying in my bed,
and S called me.
she says you are going to do what i ask you to do,
without complaining,
and asking any questions.

she asks me to sit up properly,
and tells me try and stand up.
i just laughed and said dont be silly.
she insisted,
with a very serious tone said "get up right now."

i try and get up,
i stand up.
i could do that even before.
then she asks me to try and take little steps and try and walking again.

i try.
it took me about 15 minutes to take steps and learn how to keep my balance but i

did it.
i took tiny steps..
i walked on my own two feet.
(my real and artificial leg)

i started feeling weird..
it felt like a wave of feelings was running through my whole body.
it felt strange.

i sat down,
and there was a feeling in my hand.
i felt my left hand..
and i felt it.
i touched it,
and i felt the touch...

i moved my left pinky,
and it moved..

i moved my every finger individually..
and they were moving..
i felt them move..
:)

i don't know how it happened..
i don't know why it happened....
but the feelings and sensations in my left hand were coming back..

i was crying..
S was crying with me...
we were laughing and crying...

after a while,
i asked her to hang on..
i wanted to see if i could hold a pencil in my hand...

and i could.

i was crying so much and i couldn't even see anything through my tears,
and i wanted to try and write something..
and i started writing my name,
and i was so overwhelmed..
i forgot the spellings of my name.

i held a pencil in my hand after 4 years.
i wrote my name with my own hand after 4 years.

a pencil is my life.

such a simple thing.

a pencil.

such an easy thing.

moving your hand,
picking up the pencil,
holding it in your hand,
and writing.

it took me 4 years to do that again.

i had been spending hours playing with a pencil,
trying to just grip it.

4 years.

and by way of a miracle,
once again.
it's happened.

i can stand up now.
i can walk now.
my left side is normal now.
my right side was okay,
but that's better too now.
i can write,
i can hold a pencil,
i can move my hands,
my arms,
my legs.

i feel pain now.

i'm back.
:)

mashallah.

p.s. i promise you there is more.
another blog.
another day.

Blogwordoftheday: Inside

2007-01-31T18:25:00.000+05:00

"I want to run
I want to hide
I want to tear down the walls
That hold me inside
I want to reach out
And touch the flame
Where the streets have no name"

U2

the "Be" tag

2007-01-30T17:54:00.000+05:00

i haven't lead a very thrilling life in the past.
and i have never been very ambitious.
i like things simple.
and real.
but here goes the daymn be tag.

At 7 years
friends with all the girls in my school.

At 10 years
an insaan ka bacha,
for mum,
but just didn't know how to do it.

At 12 years
a pilot.

At 16 years
out of of high school.

At 20 years
sober again.

At 24 years
the best architect in the world.

At 26 years
able to stand up on my own two feet again and be able to hold a pencil in my hand again

At 28 years
out of this mess and start my own life.

Today,
with my baby and live happily ever after.

falling awake

2007-01-29T21:11:00.000+05:00

You never get to choose
You live on what they sent you
And you know they’re gonna use
The things you love against you

One foot in the grave
One foot in the shower
There’s never time to save
You’re paying by the hour

And that’s just the way it goes
Falling awake
And that’s just the way it goes

Blogwordoftheday: Imagine

2007-01-26T12:58:00.000+05:00

an old man crossed a house a few months ago,
and stopped by and wanted to meet the man who lived there.
the guards asked him why?
and he said everytime he passes this particular house,
there is this beautiful fragrance which comes only from this house.

he said i know there is someone very special living in this house,
and i want to meet him.
the guard came and told me,
and i went outside to see what it was all about.

he was waiting outside in the lawn,
and as soon as i came out the door,
he smiled.

he spoke to me and told me i'm special.
he told me about the fragnance.
he spoke to me about God.
about life.

he spoke to me.

after that day,
he started coming often.

he came day before yesterday again.
yesterday evening,
something happened.
he was shaking,
sweating and his heart beat was so fast.
i knew i was going to lose him very soon.

he became better for a while,
and spoke to me again.
about so many things.

at around 345 in the morning,
i lost him.
we were on our way to his home,
taking him to his family.

i couldn't help him.
i couldn't keep him alive for just another 15 minutes for his family to see him one last time.

i cannot help but feel and think that everyone who ever comes to me,
gets close to me,
dies soon after meeting me.

i have lost count of the number of people who have died on me.

can anyone of you even imagine what it's like being me and living my life?

Blogwordoftheday: Be

2007-01-24T17:20:00.000+05:00

"Oh, I watch you there
Through the window
And I stare at you
You wear nothing, but you
Wear it so well
Tied up and twisted,
The way I'd like to be
For you, for me, come crash into me
Come crash into me,
yeah..."

Dave Mathews Band

tagged:)

2007-01-17T18:43:00.000+05:00

10 weird things about me,
i think that's what i'm supposed to list down.

1. i always pour half a glass of water.
i never fill the glass of water.

2. i know there are presences around me,
and i speak to them; outloud like they are in front of me.

3. i like laguna beach.

4. i make a bite of the naan,
open it and then eat it.

5. i save everything from msn conversations to cinema tickets to stones i pick at different places.

6. i forget names.

7. i can talk to God and He speaks to me.

8. my body temperature is 99 at any given normal day.

9. i love sneezing.

10. i'm half deaf from my left ear.

Blogwordoftheday: Write

2007-01-17T18:32:00.000+05:00

i want to tell you what all has happened with me in the past 2 weeks.

the good.
the bad.
the ugly.
the painful.
the horrible.
the unbelievable.
the supernatural.
the unbearable.

it all happened,
and so much more.

i want to write it all,
i want to share it all.

i want to share what i felt,
so i don't forget.

but i don't know how many would believe it.

but i will post it,
not today..
but soon.

sunday thought

2007-01-07T18:05:00.000+05:00

i believe in the extra-ordinary,
and the possibility it holds
but..
i prefer to follow my own path.

Christopher Reeve (Smallville)

BlogThought: It takes time.

2007-01-03T16:09:00.000+05:00

it takes time.
but we all get what we each deserve in the end.
nothing less.
and definitely nothing more.

Blogwordoftheday: Most

2007-01-03T15:36:00.000+05:00

The most beautiful girl in the world picks my ties out
She eats my candy,
She drinks my brandy
The most beautiful girl in the world..

Frank Sinatra

mcd's

2006-12-22T14:38:00.000+05:00

last week i went to see someone with rich and fish.
it was late at night and i was hungry,
and there was a mcdonalds on the way.

i asked rich if we could stop there and eat,
and we were going to do drive-through when i asked rich if we could sit inside and eat.
he was a little hesitant,
but still,
we went inside.

sitting at a mcdonalds,
i realized that the last time i sat in any restaurant and ate was april 2004.
and now it's december 2006.

what that felt like?

i wish i could explain,
but i won't.

noone will understand.

Blogwordoftheday: Past

2006-12-21T13:39:00.000+05:00

last night i was remembering old times and i thought of farah..
thinking of those days when i was married to her,
it was all so surreal..

just going through the days of my life before my accident,
it feels weird.
just because it's been so long now..
i don't remember those days,
that life,
or even living that past...

Blogwordoftheday: Annoy

2006-12-18T13:08:00.000+05:00

"..it's bad when you annoy yourself
so irritating
don't wanna be my friend no more
i wanna be somebody else"

Pink

a little something about me

2006-12-12T20:34:00.000+05:00

since i have never written about myself,
i will dedicate the post today to me.

i feel like telling you about the kind of person i am.
the kind of person i was.
and my life before i got stuck in this mess.

sometimes even i dont believe myself that i had a normal life.
ive been involved in this too long.
it's sad.
it's been too long.

dad was a doctor,
and he had shifted to the states a long time ago.
he saw this girl at a wedding and decided that buss.
i will marry her.

she turned out to be some family friend,
and without many problems,
mum and dad got married.

after i was born,
dad decided he couldn't stand the country any longer and decided to move back

to the states.
so when i was 3ish,
we moved to D.C.

i was a devil as a child.
i remember all of my sharaarats.
i have mentioned a few in my old blog before.:)

mum used to be alone at home with me,
we never had a maid or a sitter.
and dad was at the hospital for most of his day.
that's why growing up,
i have heard of all my escapades from mum.

my friend zak and i were next door neighbors for a little while,
and there were 3 girls who used to live in our neighborhood.
we became good friends with them,
and i remember how fascinated zak and i used to be of their boobs.
hahahah

we'd sit in the school for hours discussing them and wondering what they'd look

like.
i was always good with drawings,
and we'd make soo many different sketches of them.

after the first time zak saw one,
i remember he came running to my house and we went to my room and he drew it

for me.
we discussed it at length!

hahahahahahahaha

zak and i were always the partners in crime.
always.
we did all the wrong things together.

in the 9th grade i fell in love with this girl.
she was my senior.
i never had the guts to speak to her.
i knew the times of her classes,
and i used to stand outside her class just to look at her.

on her graduation,
i sent her a flower from anonymous.
i will never forget the smile on her face when she held that flower,
and how she looked around.
she saw me,
and i ran.

:)

mum wanted me to be an architect,
and i sure as hell didn't want to become a doctor.
or study sciences or economics.
i loved drawing and sketches.

i went to NYU for a quarter.
hated it.

then decided to do architecture.

i had many girlfriends.
i hated them all.
they wanted time and attention.
they didn't ask me for it,
they expected it.

i don't remember birthdays.
i don't remember important days in my life,
in peoples lives or otherwise.
i hated it when a girl would fight with me because i didn't call her all day,
or she didn't know where i was for 2 whole days.

i couldn't stand them.
and i couldn't stand when they acted as if they owned me and my life,
and i was somehow answerable to them for the way i was living my days.

they were all so annoying.
they all wanted something more with every passing day.

(for all those thinking what a fucker,
i was a fucker.
i still do have those tendencies btw.)

i love dancing.
absolutely looooooove dancing!
i used to party every single night.

there was this song which was released a few years ago by baby doll,
kaanta lagaa.
i heard it and i went insane.
i wanted all my friends to hear it and see the video and i wanted to play it at a club.
i bought a fucking $80 vcd of baby doll.

i was in NY i remember.
we went to this club,
we got someone to play our cd.

there was this one step that baby doll used to do in the video,
zak and i had learnt it.
we started dancing like that in the club,
and by the end of the night,
every single person in that club was doing the baby doll step!

hahahaha that was one awesome time.

one latest song that i want to play at a club and rock it is arif lohars "jugni."
it's awesome.
everytime i hear it,
i miss all my friends so much.
so so so so so so so so so so much because i know we would have rocked any party with it.

i miss them.

:)

i have so many anecdotes to tell.
i'll keep writing them off and on.

till then,

jugni jugni,
meraya jugni!:D

hmmm.

2006-12-11T21:59:00.000+05:00

why can't i comment on other peoples blogs using pkblogs or inblogs and everyone else can?

i walk the line

2006-12-10T14:25:00.000+05:00

i haven't written in a while.

the reason for that?

i wasn't in the mood.
i was in india.
i was busy.
i wasn't in the mood.

but i'm back,
and i am in the mood.

things haven't really been that great at all.
i was promised by rich that the day the verdict comes out,
i could meet S.

the verdict came out more than 10 days ago,
and we still haven't met.
there are problems,
i'm told.

i haven't been well,
and things haven't been going the way i expected them to go.
i asked S for one day,
and told her that if i am not able to do anything about us by the end of the day,
she could leave me.

nothing happened.
i told S to move on with her life and marry someone else.
she just laughed at me.

i was tired of the complaning,
the fighting with everyone,
the arguments that keep coming up.

i couldn't handle my life anymore.
too many people were controlling it for me.

i needed a change in scenary,
so i told rich i'm really unwell i want to go to india.
he said i cannot leave the house.
i asked brit to call up my doctor in india and tell him to call and say it's extremely important that he sees me.

and so with rich pissed off,
i went to india.
i told S i need some time to myself.
i want to decide what i want to do.

i stayed there for 3 days,
and i feel so much better already.

i came back last night.

fish is here from the states,
and i had dinner with him last night.
it was nice.
he explained the entire situation to me,
and told me that rich is only looking out for me.

he told me that rich is worried.
he will not do anything to harm me,
he is only doing this to help me.
he knows things that i don't.

fish said i should wait a while.
S and i should wait a little while.

i told him that i've decided i'm going to walk out.
i am sick of everything.
fish laughed and said you've come so far,
don't throw all this away by doing something so silly.
he told me to talk to rich,
and he would tell me what the problem is.

why am i not a free man yet.
why don't they let me go.
why can't i start my own life.
why can't i meet S.
if there is a problem,
what's the solution for it.

i am going to meet rich in 15 minutes.
i hope i get some answers.
some solutions.

Invent- a Blogword

2006-12-06T22:11:00.000+05:00

this will be fun to read:)

i have a tendency of playing with words all the time,
and i always keep inventing new words.
there are three words i can think of right now so i will post them.

when i remember more,
ill add them.

bongustaan.
some people are just bongustaans.
they are not bongay and/or bongee.

lamester.

stupee.
S came up with this one.
it's one of the cutest words i've ever heard:)

question 2.

2006-12-05T00:47:00.000+05:00

when is a good time to give up on love and life?

question.

2006-12-02T22:56:00.000+05:00

what does one do with a feeling of loneliness?

i am at your feet

2006-11-30T22:45:00.000+05:00

strange.

i have never written about S.

i know you all know who she is,
but i have never really written about her.
since today is our anniversary,
and i doubt that i will be giving her any present,
i thought a blog about her would be the perfect little gift.

S...
where do i start from.

she is little.
she is 5 nothing as she always tells me of her height.
hahah

she is the one in her group of her friends who is always given the extra mile of attention.
she is the one who is much loved.
she is the one everyone calls when they need to come up with a story to tell their parents.
she is the one everyone calls up to make a plan.

she is a sagittarian too.
her birthday just passed on the 28th of november.
yes,
our birthdays are 2 days apart.

she is the sweetest little thing i have ever known.
and i would like to quote an incident to support my statement.

one night last year,
she was going back home from somewhere at 1 with her sister and brother in law,
and there was a kid on the road with no shoes and no sweater on a very cold

december night selling newspapers.
she was 2 minutes away from her house,
so when she got home she asked the brother in law if he would take her back to that kid.
he said yes.
she went inside the house,
got a sweater,
gloves,
socks,
shoes and some clothes and drove back in a hurry praying he hasn't left.
she found the boy,
got out of the car,
made him wear the sweater and the socks and sent him home.

:)
how many people do you know in this day and age who do that anymore?

i don't know of anyone.

when she told me what she did,
i fell more in love with her.
everytime i remember that,
i fall just a little more in love with her.

i don't know of anyone with a faith as strong as hers.
(mashallah.)

she knows what she believes.
and she sticks to it.
she's stuck by it for 5 years.

her faith is pure.
her beliefs are powerful.

if it wasn't for her,
i wouldn't be the person that i am today.
she has made me a better person.
she has made me a person from a wreck with no aim.
no faith.
no care.
no hope.

she has always been there for me.
she is my bestestest friend.

"you are my best friend..
best friend with benefits.."

:)

she is the only person in the world i have been myself with.
i don't know what it is about her,
but there is something about her.

maybe it's the way she laughs..
maybe it's the way she tells me she loves me..
maybe it's the sweetness in her voice...

we have no secrets.
we tell each other every little thing.
and that's something that i learnt from her.
she tells me every single thing about her day,
not because she is supposed to,
but because that's the way she is.

it doesn't matter how silly a thing is.
we always tell each other.
i'm still learning though.
:)

we never get sick of talking to each other.
it's been almost 5 years (mashallah)
and her story remains the same.

baby its 130am/2am/3am/4am/430am,
i have to wake up for work at 830.
and i say meri jaan let's go/go/you have work in the morning/lets get in bed,
and she says but aap say baat kartee jaanee hai.
(but i want to keep talking to you)

hahahah

it never fails.
it's still the same.
and the next day it's still the same conversation.

"baby did you wake up araam say in the morning?"

"uff jaan you don't understand.
i just couldn't wake up."

"i told you at 12 lets go and you said no i want to talk to you."

"haan baby, you are so kind. so sweet."

"but i am:)"

"i swear if you were in front of me i would've smacked you so hard"

the conversation ends with me laughing,
or what is better known as "the bastard laugh."
and then a few laadis and na karos and acha naaas and it's all okay again:)

she makes me want to take care of her.
i want to wrap my arms around her,
and hide her from the world.

i'm going to take her away from everything and everyone.

we need atleast 7-8 years to ourselves.
just to make up for all this time,
and all these years.
and inshallah we will.

she's so good for me.

i know that she's the one for me.

i know she's my one.
i know she's the one i'm going to end up with.
i know she's the one i'm supposed to end up with.

she is my little baby.
my little sweetheart.
my littlebug.
my mano.
my sunshine.
my moonlight.
she's my dream.
she's the lyrics to all my songs.
she's the reason i am.
she's all my reasons.
she's my jaan.
she's my chonee.
she's my jia.
she's my best friend.
she's my family.
she's my home.
she's my life.
she's my hope.
she's my faith.
she's my love.
she's my destiny.

Joyful the moment when we sat in the bower, Thou and I;
In two forms and with two faces - with one soul, Thou and I.

The color of the garden and the song of the birds give the elixir of immortality;
The instant we come into the orchard, Thou and I.

The stars of Heaven come out to look upon us -
We shall show the moon herself to them, Thou and I.

Thou and I, with no 'Thou' or 'I', shall become one through our tasting;
Happy, safe from idle talking, Thou and I.

The spirited parrots of heaven will envy us -
When we shall laugh in such a way, Thou and I.

This is stranger, that Thou and I, in this corner here...
Are both in one breath here and there - Thou and I.

you make me belong.

Blogwordoftheday: Really

2006-11-29T21:00:00.000+05:00

i want to be with you.
i want to spend the rest of my life with you.
i want to dance all my dances with you.

i know you're worth all this wait.

iloveyou baby,
i really do.

(i know it's the cheesiest post that you've probably ever read but it's true.)

:)

2006-11-29T09:14:00.000+05:00

my verdict came out last night.

i have won my case.

i haven't slept all night,
i will write the details of the verdict when i wake up.

i'm a free man.

i wish you guys knew what that feels like.

:)

thankyou for all the prayers and wishes.

God Bless.

happy birthday?

2006-11-27T22:19:00.000+05:00

it was my birthday yesterday.
extremely unhappy with all my blogger friends.

i make miracles like i walk on water

2006-11-23T18:04:00.000+05:00

last night,
before going to sleep i decided that tomorrow i will wake up early and get myself a life.

i got serious scolding from M last night.
she asked me if i was getting my physio done and if i had tried to walk again,
my answer was no.

she gave me hell for that.
and i decided it's time.

and today,
i did exactly that.

i woke up at 2pm instead of my usual 7pm.
i had lunch and after that i got my physio done for 45 minutes.

since i was getting it done after so long,
i wanted to take it slow.

then at 530,
i went back for my physio.
i got it done for another half hour,
after which i decided to stand up.

i didn't want to give it a shot.
i decided that today i will stand up.

after trying for one whole hour,
trying to balance my left leg,
i stood up.
and kept my balance too.

the only reason i was not trying to stand up and walk was because my left side had become paralyzed again after the very recent incident where i got shot.
but a couple of days ago,
my left leg started to hurt.

pain is always a great thing for me.

i felt the pain for a long long time.
which meant that my nerves are alive and kickin'.

by 640ish,
i had stood up.
and i kept my balance.
i didn't want to go overboard,
so i tried to take just a few steps.

and i did.

i managed to take 2 baby steps.

:)

for a normal person,
two steps is nothing.
you probably don't even get anywhere in two steps.
but for me..
those two steps are the world.

when i will tell S and even M about those two steps,
they will understand.
and they will be the happiest people in the world with me.
they will be proud of me,
and they will tell me where all these two little baby steps can take me.

for me,
it has always been a matter of time.
once i decide that i have to do something,
i do it.

and every single time,
it has been no less than a miracle.

i lead a life in which every single day brings with it,
a miracle.

a miracle as big as me surviving the gunshots.
and as small as waking up every single day.

my verdicts expected to come out tomorrow.
inshallah it will go great,
and that will be the end of the longest chapter of my life.

and then i will sing this song.

"This is the moment, this is the day
When I send all my doubts and demons on their way
Every endeavor I have made ever
Is comin’ into play, is here and now today

This is the moment, this is the time
When the momentum and the moment are in rhyme
Give me this moment, this precious chance
I’ll gather up my past and make some sense at last

This is the moment when all I’ve done
When all the dreamin’, schemin’ and screaming become one
This is the day, see it sparkle and shine
When all I’ve lived for becomes mine

For all these years, I’ve faced the world alone
And now that the time has come to prove to them I’ve made it on my own

This is the moment, my final test
Destiny beckoned, I never reckoned second best
I won’t look down, I must not fall
This is the moment, the sweetest moment of them all

This is the moment, damn all the odds
This day or never, I’ll sit forever with the gods
When I look back, I will always recall
Moment for moment, this was the moment, the greatest moment of them all"

Blogwordoftheday: Secret

2006-11-22T18:59:00.000+05:00

i don't have a secret,
but here is victoria's secret;

http://www.victoriassecret.com/

hahahaha i love blogwords!

days of the new

2006-11-21T22:11:00.000+05:00

i have been sleeping through the days ever since saturday.

i sleep at 2-3 am,
and i wake up at 7 in the evening.
i have messed up my whole routine because of the hearings.

now,
i have no life.
i sleep.
i wake up.
i have chae.
i eat.
i talk to S.
i go to sleep.
then i wake up in the evening the next day.

i know the art of sleeping.
if noone wakes me,
i can sleep for 3 days at a stretch.

people hate me for it.
but i love it.

so i don't know who all read my blogs reviews.
what i don't understand is if you hate it so much,
why bother reading it?

if you find my writings,
oh.
sorry my bad.
my "poetry" such a drag then DON'T READ IT.

JEEZ.

how much time do you people have on your hands?
i thought i was leading a lame life.
it makes me feel better knowing there are bigger lamesters out there.

daymn.

so yesterday i got two different e-mails from two different companies telling me i have won their lottery.
i won 750,000 pounds through the first lottery,
and 2,500,000 pounds through the second lottery.

that's fucking hell of a lot of money!

all fraud ofcourse.
but it left me feeling lucky.

:)

winters are here.
i took the razaaee last night instead of a blanket.
loved it.

i love the razaaees.
i love winters.

hmmm...my birthday is on sunday,
26th.

i'm going to be very old.

and i'm expecting everyone and anyone who reads my blog,
or visits it on sunday to wish me a very happy birrrrrrday.

now i need to get back to signing crappy documents which need my immediate attention.

summer's almost gone

2006-11-18T19:40:00.000+05:00

my hearings are over.

the closing arguments will be given on monday inshallah and then the verdict.
the verdict can be given the same day,
or the jury might decide that they need some time to make their decision.
which is okay too.

for me,
the worst is over.

it was the hardest thing in the world to sit there,
alone,
listening to people discuss my life that they only have known of after reading a few

piles of paper.

it was hard enough living it the first time.

it was exhausting,
emotionally draining,
and physically tiring,
to sit there.

the frst 3 days of the hearing i sat there listening as my witnesses came,
took everyone through my life after the accident.
it was too much detail.
too much discussion.
too many incidents.
too many happenings.

i realized how much i had forgotten.
for the better.

and it all kept coming back.
slowly.
word by word.

and it wasn't the end once it was said.
then it was discussed at length.

my parents death.
my familys deaths.
my friends.
my friends familys.

about S.
about M.

what all happened with them.

how it happened.
why it happened.

my health.
my reports.
my progress.

i took the stand yesterday and i had to tell my story from the beginning in my

words.
how i lost my family.
my life.

if that wasn't hard enough itself,
at the end i was questionned about it.

a few of the questions that i remember i will quote.

"what guarantee do we have that when you're a free man you would not want to

take revenge from my client"

"why should you be set free?"

"where are you going to go?"

"isn't it better just to die than to live the life that you're living?"

"do you take responsibility for what your father did to my clients son?"

"what are you planning on doing when you get out of this?"

"do you forgive my client?"

the defence was a bitch.
i think i handled it alright.

i didn't get nervous.
i didn't get pissed off because there was not much reason i had to be mad about

anything.

the only reason i was being asked such ridiculous questions was because the

defence knows that they have no case,
and the clients in big trouble.

the defence client is my fathers friend,
whose son passed away in the same hospital where my father was practicing.
i wrote the background and how this mess that i'm in got started in my old blog,
www.pkblogs.com/soultrips

that man,
who himself was a doctor,
has lost his sanity.

he took the stand,
and said it out sitting at the seat that "i will not let you live in peace."

i'm not sure what i'm up against,
but i know for a fact that i will win the case inshallah.

this case,
sitting through the hearings is one of the hardest things i have ever had to do.
these hearings were long,
and i had to sit through every minute of it.

you don't know what it feels like when strangers are discussing your life,
and you are expected to sit there and listen,
to a life that you have lived.
the tears that you have cried.
the minutes that you have spent.
the pain that you have suffered.

you don't know what it feels like when strangers are reading a piece of paper on

which every breath that you have taken is written.

i saw the papers and files when my lawyer came to see me,
and she was asking me questions about my life.

at one point i said something,
and she interrupted me and said "but it says here that blah blah blah"
all i was able to say to her then was "okay, if it's written on a piece of paper, then

that must be how it happened."

i didn't say it to embarass her,
but noone knows what it feels like.

i opened up one of the files to see what was in it,
and there was a record of my daily activities for that particular day,
minute by minute.

i don't know why i'm writing all this.
i think i want to remember all the feelings i felt.
and i have been feeling ever since the beginning of the case.

like i mentioned in the beginning,
i had forgotten too much.
and being reminded of it all was much too painful.

i think now i feel that if i remember,
and then am reminded of,
it won't hurt as much.

when i was telling my story,
i cried.

and everyone in that room cried with me.

and somehow...
that made it easier to say..

but it didn't make it better.

but i got through it.

that time has passed.
i made it through.

i have never even once thought of taking revenge for whatever happened to me.
and what was done to my family and friends.

my God has always given me the strength.
and has always shown me the better path to take.

all i want now is my life back.

i'm just another person like everyone else.
what difference will my living in a normal house,
with my wife,
my kids,
my small family,
in a small town,
in any city,
in any country,
make to anyone else in this world?

no difference.

i think it would not be blasphemous of me to think or even say that i deserve a life

too,
don't i?

"Strange days have found us
And through their strange hours
We linger alone
Bodies confused
Memories misused
As we run from the day
To a strange night of stone"

(everyone must read the spectacular review i got of my blog @

http://www.italk2much.com/)

another turning point..

2006-11-16T17:38:00.000+05:00

i'm taking the witness stand myself today.

i'm nervous and i'm anxious.
i don't know what questions will be thrown at me,
and how i will react to them.
but i know that me going up there is something i have to do.
i need to do.

it will be all over today.

the next hearing will be the verdict.

please pray for me.
for my case.
for my life.
for my future.

i will write about the case inshallah in a couple of days.
at the moment i'm really busy with it,
but i promise i will write about it in detail.

BlogthoughtNo.4 : They say it isn't possible.

2006-11-15T17:06:00.000+05:00

it was january 2002.
that's when i first messaged her on msn.

february 2002,
i asked her if she would be my valentine.
she said yes.
and we're still together mashallah.

december of 2003.
that's when i got married to my cousin againt my will.

summer of 2004.
that's when i was shot and had my accident and i became paralyzed.

summer of 2005.
my family.
my friends.
my parents.
anyone i ever knew was killed.

summer 2006.
i stood up and i started walking.
my paralysis kept getting better.

november 15, 2006.
my case is in the court and i'm on the verge of winning it.

2007.
i'll be a free man.
i will have a family.
i will have friends.
i will have a home.

they said and they thought it wasn't possible.

sailing fast

2006-11-12T18:56:00.000+05:00

what a great song by one of our local bands.
anyone who hasn't heard it must listen to it atleast once.
these paki boys make me proud with their music.

update of my case..
well...
tomorrow my witnesses take the stand.
i'm a little stressed about it,
i don't know why.

anyone and everyone who reads this,
please say a prayer that all goes well for me.

i will write next with the updates about the case in 2 days inshallah.

questions

2006-11-10T19:00:00.000+05:00

what does one do of all the thoughts in the head?
all the feelings in the heart?

there are times when you have a good,
positive feeling about something.
and the very next day you're questioning that same damn thing.

i don't want to question.
i don't want to plan.

i have started questioning.
way too much.

i keep thinking.
i keep looking at alternatives.
i keep looking for alternatives.

what will i do when all this is over?
where will i go?
will i ever be able to walk again?
if i start walking again,
what if something happens and i'm back to square one?
am i scared?
do i still believe?
should i stay here or go back to the states?
should i even go back there at all?
will i ever be okay?
will i be able to keep her happy?
will my family ever be safe?
will i ever lead a normal life again?

where is life taking me?

where has God brought me?

in this moment,
i'm lost.

i don't like this feeling i'm feeling.

i'm tired.
i'm exhausted.

i don't want to go on anymore.
but i also know i'll be better tomorrow.

Blogwordoftheday: Sorry

2006-11-08T19:31:00.000+05:00

the end is the beginning

2006-11-05T21:04:00.000+05:00

my case opened in the court yesterday.

i was supposed to fly to the states for the hearings,
but i went to india on thursday and asked my doctor if i can fly,
and he didn't clear me.

so i am still here,
but i saw the proceedings through the video camera etc.

now that i cannot fly and be there for my case,
that changed alot of things.
first basic thing that changes is that i cannot be cross-questioned.
but the judge said that since i will be present and listening and watching everything,
if need be,
i will be questioned via satellite.

last night only the opening statements took place,
and the defence and the judge were told of my absence.

my lawyer N,
she did well.
she's a tough woman.
and she is well prepared for the case.

rich and jeff tell me she's one the best in the business,
and inshallah she will get me my justice.
i'm happy wth her.
i like her.

the next hearing is in a weeks time.
i'm told that getting such a quick hearing date is great,
and that means the judge knows there is no case for the defence.

this mess that i am in,
should be over really soon.
inshallah.

Blogwordoftheday: Complete

2006-11-02T01:24:00.000+05:00

it's a moment.

i hear her voice and she says "hello"
and i smile.

i know my day has begun.
i know my reason for being.
i know my world is complete.

tears in heaven

2006-10-29T21:48:00.000+05:00

i have had a horribly bad stomach since eid day 3.
the halwaa purees and the niharees and the bbq have been coming out in all sorts of forms.
:P

i've been miserable and have spent the last 2 days in the washroom.
and as much as i hate the yogurt here,
i have been forced to eat it.
i'm better now,
just have fever which is manageable.

i spoke to M eid day 2 at night.
it's always nice talking to her because she's so absolutely hilarious at times,
and since i speak to her after long gaps,
it's always so much fun.

she told me of the dream she had of my friend E.

E met her when she came to see me in L.A.,
and fell in love with her.
till the day he died,
he wanted to be with her.

she never agreed to it on the grounds that they come from two different worlds.
their religion is different.
their life is different blah blah blah.

he was willing to leave everything for her.

they probably would have ended up together had he been here today.

:)

it was his birthday on the 18th.
she always dreams of him.
he always comes in her dreams.

he's never come to see me.
and i hate it.
hate it so much.

he's my best friend.
he was a brother to me.
he was there for me,
with me,
through every little thing.

sometimes i think that if he was here,
he would have solved and gotten me out of this mess a long long time ago.

i miss him so much.
so much so much so much.

he gave a message for me to M.
he said that i need to stop thinking that he could fix things for me.
the day that i stop depending on him and i start dealing with things on my own,
he will come see me.

:)

i hate him.
i love him.
i miss him.

i spent 25 years of my life with him.
he got me out of every trouble for 25 years.
we became boys from kids together.
we became men from boys together.

we had our first drink together.
our first cigarrette together.
we had our first girl friends the same month.
we had our first kiss the same week.
our birthdays are a month apart.
he was my first friend ever.

there was not one thing that we didn't tell each other.

he was always the practical one.
the serious one.
the good friend who always got the "you talk to him because he refuses to listen to us" from the parents talk.

he was a good guy.
a really really good guy.
and i can never stop depending on him.

"Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven
I'll find my way, through night and day
Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven"

Eid Mubarak!:)

2006-10-26T21:48:00.000+05:00

eid was wonderful.

a quick account of the events that took place before the actual eid day because they are all related.

saturday night i arranged for poker night and i announced that i'm going to be playing for money.
i have never played for money,
ever.
but my brokeness forced me to play for money as i didn't even have rs. 100 to re-charge my phone credit.

we prepared for poker with our cigars,
drinks,
beer and money.
it was great and i kicked everyones ass and i won......lets just say lots of money:D
(we bet in dollars so when the conversion happened, it was so much more than it was actually!)

since i had loads of money and i was in the eid spirit,
i decided to buy all the boys shalwar kurtas and chappals (sandals,)
and celebrate eid.

since all us boys are goras (foreigners) we needed a desi to help shop for the shalwar kurtas.
we gave a make-over to maq a.k.a maqbool,
our cook,
gave him the "saab" look,
and 2 boys along with maq went shopping on monday night and got 20 shalwar kurtas and 20 pairs of chappals.

since eid didn't happen on tuesday,
we got one extra day to prepare for eid.
so on the actual chaand raat (the night before eid)
our cleaning lady, sughraa,
put oil in everyones hair.
:)

then she taught us how to wear a shalwar and more importantly how to handle it.
we couldn't hold the shalwar in its place,
so we got rid of the naala and put elastic in it instead.
that did help the situation.

i was so glad because everyone was really in to the whole eid thing,
and we were doing everything together and even though this whole concept was new to the boys and rich and brit and jeff,
they were most excited.

i had asked rich if i could go say my eid prayers in the mosque with maq,
and he gave me the permission.:D
the prayer time was 7am.

i woke up at 6am and it took me 40 minutes to wash off the oil from my hair.:P
then i wore my off-white shalwar kurta,
sat in my wheel chair and maq and i walked to the mosque to say our prayers.
it was so so so so so nice.

on our way back home,
we bought halwaa puree.
we got back and all the boys were all showered and dressed in shalwar kurtaa
everyone had breakfast together,
and at 930ish,
we had the sheer khoorma (dessert) that i had made.

it turned out really yummy.
it was my first time making it and it was just perfect.

we sat around talking and then maq decided to teach everyone how to play ludo (a desi board game) till lunch time we played ludo then.

for lunch i had made nihaari,
and we got naan with it and what deleeeeeecious nihaari it turned out to be.
:)

we got done with lunch by 3,
and we were all so dead by 330 that everyone went to sleep.
we woke up at 7,
had chae (tea),
and hung out.

jeff made bbq for dinner,
was great too.

we called it a night at 1130.
and from 1130 till 4 i spoke to my baby,
and then we finally called it a night.
:)

i realized and i learnt that it's easy to sit and cry and crib over things.
if you want to do something,
nothing in this world can ever stop you from doing so.
i try to make the most of what i have,
and i was so happy this eid,
so so happy.

i missed my parents the most and i wished they were here with me.
but they weren't,
and that is okay too.
they were happy because i was happy.
i had one of the best days of my life yesterday,
and i loved every minute of it.

the eid delay

2006-10-23T22:36:00.000+05:00

so there is no eid tomorrow.

i thought of mum and what her reaction would have been to this had she been here,
and it made me smile with tears in my eyes.

she would have been so mad had she prepared food for eid.
:)

my mum didn't know how to cook,
so when she did once every year on eid,
that was always the bigger occasion.

once she tried making kheer (a dessert,)
which she over cooked.

dad and i kept re-assuring her that it was okay,
and we poured it in a big bowl and put it on the table.
when we finally tasted it,
there was no sugar in it.

hahahah

to save ourselves from all the howling and crying of "i don't know how to make anything." and
"i will never learn anything,"
dad and i sent her off to shower and change and quickly put the kheer back on the stove,
put sugar in it and mixed and cooked it as quickly as possible,
and placed it back on the table just in time.

i have been thinking of mum and dad all day today.
i think about them every day but today was different.

it's been making me sad.

i was remembering all the eids when mum would call me and say "are you coming home for eid?"
and i'd say "of course i am."
and then she'd ask "do you have a shalwar kurtaa to wear?"
and my answer would always be "no."

then she would tell me that that is why she got one made for me.
and how i don't care for eid and i should and i have to wake up early for the eid prayer and i'm so irresponsible and i don't bother to fast and i'm not a good muslim and i should be home for ramzan and i don't care for the important things etc. etc. and the list would just not end..

:)

i miss her.
i miss them.
i miss all those times.

*deep breath*

anyway,
on to a lighter note.

i started season 3 of Grey's Anatomy.
if you don't watch that show,
you should start.
it's a must watch.
serious.
it's my second favorite show of all times after LOST.

now my boys are back with the eid shopping,
(the details of which i will write in my next post,)
i will go and see what all they got.

happy one extra holiday everyone!:)

i'm back!:)

2006-10-22T21:03:00.000+05:00

i haven't written in 21 days.

why?

because fucking beta blogger doesn't let me sign in to my account.
hate blogger.

so i went to wordpress.
couldn't get used to it.
i don't like change.
so i made another regular blogger account.

don't want to be in a pissy mood so i will change the topic.

tomorrow is the last rozaa.
i missed only 4 rozaas this year and i'm so happy.
and so proud of myself.

i prayed this year too.

for the first time ever in my life,
i prayed for me.
lots and lots.
and it felt good.

speaking of me,
updates of me.

i'm the same,
nothing has changed.
nothing good has happened,
and more importantly,
nothing bad has happened.

i get my physio done regularly but that's about all.
i haven't attempted to walk again ever since the accident,
but i did stand up a few times.

i will start walking again soon.

God asked me to do it again.
He told me this time it will be different.
and i told Him that this time i will take my time,
so i am.

the physio has helped my right side.
i can hold a pencil now.
i cannot write but i can hold it.

i'm a lefty and i can hold the pencil in my right hand,
so there is a little problem of writing with it anyway.

i got my pakistani ID card finally.
i was so happy!:D

and yesterday i got new clothes.
jeff bought them for me because he saw and noticed my worn out condition.

i got 5 new sweaters.
shirts.
jeans.
shorts.
that made me even more happy!:D:D

i have missed writing so much.
i will write every day.
i have to catch up with 21 days that i didn't write for.

21 days in my life mean 21,
if not more,
events in my life.

.

2006-10-22T15:42:00.000+05:00

i want to open my new blog by saying that don't ever,
and i mean EVER move to beta blogger.