i am at your feet

strange.

i have never written about S.

i know you all know who she is,
but i have never really written about her.
since today is our anniversary,
and i doubt that i will be giving her any present,
i thought a blog about her would be the perfect little gift.

S...
where do i start from.

she is little.
she is 5 nothing as she always tells me of her height.
hahah

she is the one in her group of her friends who is always given the extra mile of attention.
she is the one who is much loved.
she is the one everyone calls when they need to come up with a story to tell their parents.
she is the one everyone calls up to make a plan.

she is a sagittarian too.
her birthday just passed on the 28th of november.
yes,
our birthdays are 2 days apart.

she is the sweetest little thing i have ever known.
and i would like to quote an incident to support my statement.

one night last year,
she was going back home from somewhere at 1 with her sister and brother in law,
and there was a kid on the road with no shoes and no sweater on a very cold

december night selling newspapers.
she was 2 minutes away from her house,
so when she got home she asked the brother in law if he would take her back to that kid.
he said yes.
she went inside the house,
got a sweater,
gloves,
socks,
shoes and some clothes and drove back in a hurry praying he hasn't left.
she found the boy,
got out of the car,
made him wear the sweater and the socks and sent him home.

:)
how many people do you know in this day and age who do that anymore?

i don't know of anyone.

when she told me what she did,
i fell more in love with her.
everytime i remember that,
i fall just a little more in love with her.

i don't know of anyone with a faith as strong as hers.
(mashallah.)

she knows what she believes.
and she sticks to it.
she's stuck by it for 5 years.

her faith is pure.
her beliefs are powerful.

if it wasn't for her,
i wouldn't be the person that i am today.
she has made me a better person.
she has made me a person from a wreck with no aim.
no faith.
no care.
no hope.

she has always been there for me.
she is my bestestest friend.

"you are my best friend..
best friend with benefits.."

:)

she is the only person in the world i have been myself with.
i don't know what it is about her,
but there is something about her.

maybe it's the way she laughs..
maybe it's the way she tells me she loves me..
maybe it's the sweetness in her voice...

we have no secrets.
we tell each other every little thing.
and that's something that i learnt from her.
she tells me every single thing about her day,
not because she is supposed to,
but because that's the way she is.

it doesn't matter how silly a thing is.
we always tell each other.
i'm still learning though.
:)

we never get sick of talking to each other.
it's been almost 5 years (mashallah)
and her story remains the same.

baby its 130am/2am/3am/4am/430am,
i have to wake up for work at 830.
and i say meri jaan let's go/go/you have work in the morning/lets get in bed,
and she says but aap say baat kartee jaanee hai.
(but i want to keep talking to you)

hahahah

it never fails.
it's still the same.
and the next day it's still the same conversation.

"baby did you wake up araam say in the morning?"

"uff jaan you don't understand.
i just couldn't wake up."

"i told you at 12 lets go and you said no i want to talk to you."

"haan baby, you are so kind. so sweet."

"but i am:)"

"i swear if you were in front of me i would've smacked you so hard"

the conversation ends with me laughing,
or what is better known as "the bastard laugh."
and then a few laadis and na karos and acha naaas and it's all okay again:)

she makes me want to take care of her.
i want to wrap my arms around her,
and hide her from the world.

i'm going to take her away from everything and everyone.

we need atleast 7-8 years to ourselves.
just to make up for all this time,
and all these years.
and inshallah we will.

she's so good for me.

i know that she's the one for me.

i know she's my one.
i know she's the one i'm going to end up with.
i know she's the one i'm supposed to end up with.

she is my little baby.
my little sweetheart.
my littlebug.
my mano.
my sunshine.
my moonlight.
she's my dream.
she's the lyrics to all my songs.
she's the reason i am.
she's all my reasons.
she's my jaan.
she's my chonee.
she's my jia.
she's my best friend.
she's my family.
she's my home.
she's my life.
she's my hope.
she's my faith.
she's my love.
she's my destiny.



Joyful the moment when we sat in the bower, Thou and I;
In two forms and with two faces - with one soul, Thou and I.

The color of the garden and the song of the birds give the elixir of immortality;
The instant we come into the orchard, Thou and I.

The stars of Heaven come out to look upon us -
We shall show the moon herself to them, Thou and I.

Thou and I, with no 'Thou' or 'I', shall become one through our tasting;
Happy, safe from idle talking, Thou and I.

The spirited parrots of heaven will envy us -
When we shall laugh in such a way, Thou and I.

This is stranger, that Thou and I, in this corner here...
Are both in one breath here and there - Thou and I.




you make me belong.

Blogwordoftheday: Really

i want to be with you.
i want to spend the rest of my life with you.
i want to dance all my dances with you.

i know you're worth all this wait.

iloveyou baby,
i really do.



(i know it's the cheesiest post that you've probably ever read but it's true.)

:)

my verdict came out last night.

i have won my case.

i haven't slept all night,
i will write the details of the verdict when i wake up.


i'm a free man.

i wish you guys knew what that feels like.

:)

thankyou for all the prayers and wishes.

God Bless.

happy birthday?

it was my birthday yesterday.
extremely unhappy with all my blogger friends.

i make miracles like i walk on water

last night,
before going to sleep i decided that tomorrow i will wake up early and get myself a life.

i got serious scolding from M last night.
she asked me if i was getting my physio done and if i had tried to walk again,
my answer was no.

she gave me hell for that.
and i decided it's time.

and today,
i did exactly that.

i woke up at 2pm instead of my usual 7pm.
i had lunch and after that i got my physio done for 45 minutes.

since i was getting it done after so long,
i wanted to take it slow.

then at 530,
i went back for my physio.
i got it done for another half hour,
after which i decided to stand up.

i didn't want to give it a shot.
i decided that today i will stand up.

after trying for one whole hour,
trying to balance my left leg,
i stood up.
and kept my balance too.

the only reason i was not trying to stand up and walk was because my left side had become paralyzed again after the very recent incident where i got shot.
but a couple of days ago,
my left leg started to hurt.

pain is always a great thing for me.

i felt the pain for a long long time.
which meant that my nerves are alive and kickin'.

by 640ish,
i had stood up.
and i kept my balance.
i didn't want to go overboard,
so i tried to take just a few steps.

and i did.

i managed to take 2 baby steps.

:)

for a normal person,
two steps is nothing.
you probably don't even get anywhere in two steps.
but for me..
those two steps are the world.

when i will tell S and even M about those two steps,
they will understand.
and they will be the happiest people in the world with me.
they will be proud of me,
and they will tell me where all these two little baby steps can take me.

for me,
it has always been a matter of time.
once i decide that i have to do something,
i do it.

and every single time,
it has been no less than a miracle.

i lead a life in which every single day brings with it,
a miracle.

a miracle as big as me surviving the gunshots.
and as small as waking up every single day.

my verdicts expected to come out tomorrow.
inshallah it will go great,
and that will be the end of the longest chapter of my life.

and then i will sing this song.

"This is the moment, this is the day
When I send all my doubts and demons on their way
Every endeavor I have made ever
Is comin’ into play, is here and now today

This is the moment, this is the time
When the momentum and the moment are in rhyme
Give me this moment, this precious chance
I’ll gather up my past and make some sense at last

This is the moment when all I’ve done
When all the dreamin’, schemin’ and screaming become one
This is the day, see it sparkle and shine
When all I’ve lived for becomes mine

For all these years, I’ve faced the world alone
And now that the time has come to prove to them I’ve made it on my own

This is the moment, my final test
Destiny beckoned, I never reckoned second best
I won’t look down, I must not fall
This is the moment, the sweetest moment of them all

This is the moment, damn all the odds
This day or never, I’ll sit forever with the gods
When I look back, I will always recall
Moment for moment, this was the moment, the greatest moment of them all"

Blogwordoftheday: Secret

i don't have a secret,
but here is victoria's secret;

http://www.victoriassecret.com/





hahahaha i love blogwords!

days of the new

i have been sleeping through the days ever since saturday.

i sleep at 2-3 am,
and i wake up at 7 in the evening.
i have messed up my whole routine because of the hearings.

now,
i have no life.
i sleep.
i wake up.
i have chae.
i eat.
i talk to S.
i go to sleep.
then i wake up in the evening the next day.

i know the art of sleeping.
if noone wakes me,
i can sleep for 3 days at a stretch.

people hate me for it.
but i love it.

so i don't know who all read my blogs reviews.
what i don't understand is if you hate it so much,
why bother reading it?

if you find my writings,
oh.
sorry my bad.
my "poetry" such a drag then DON'T READ IT.

JEEZ.

how much time do you people have on your hands?
i thought i was leading a lame life.
it makes me feel better knowing there are bigger lamesters out there.

daymn.

so yesterday i got two different e-mails from two different companies telling me i have won their lottery.
i won 750,000 pounds through the first lottery,
and 2,500,000 pounds through the second lottery.

that's fucking hell of a lot of money!

all fraud ofcourse.
but it left me feeling lucky.

:)

winters are here.
i took the razaaee last night instead of a blanket.
loved it.

i love the razaaees.
i love winters.

hmmm...my birthday is on sunday,
26th.

i'm going to be very old.

and i'm expecting everyone and anyone who reads my blog,
or visits it on sunday to wish me a very happy birrrrrrday.



now i need to get back to signing crappy documents which need my immediate attention.

summer's almost gone

my hearings are over.

the closing arguments will be given on monday inshallah and then the verdict.
the verdict can be given the same day,
or the jury might decide that they need some time to make their decision.
which is okay too.

for me,
the worst is over.

it was the hardest thing in the world to sit there,
alone,
listening to people discuss my life that they only have known of after reading a few

piles of paper.

it was hard enough living it the first time.

it was exhausting,
emotionally draining,
and physically tiring,
to sit there.

the frst 3 days of the hearing i sat there listening as my witnesses came,
took everyone through my life after the accident.
it was too much detail.
too much discussion.
too many incidents.
too many happenings.

i realized how much i had forgotten.
for the better.

and it all kept coming back.
slowly.
word by word.

and it wasn't the end once it was said.
then it was discussed at length.

my parents death.
my familys deaths.
my friends.
my friends familys.

about S.
about M.

what all happened with them.

how it happened.
why it happened.

my health.
my reports.
my progress.

i took the stand yesterday and i had to tell my story from the beginning in my

words.
how i lost my family.
my life.

if that wasn't hard enough itself,
at the end i was questionned about it.

a few of the questions that i remember i will quote.

"what guarantee do we have that when you're a free man you would not want to

take revenge from my client"

"why should you be set free?"

"where are you going to go?"

"isn't it better just to die than to live the life that you're living?"

"do you take responsibility for what your father did to my clients son?"

"what are you planning on doing when you get out of this?"

"do you forgive my client?"


the defence was a bitch.
i think i handled it alright.

i didn't get nervous.
i didn't get pissed off because there was not much reason i had to be mad about

anything.

the only reason i was being asked such ridiculous questions was because the

defence knows that they have no case,
and the clients in big trouble.

the defence client is my fathers friend,
whose son passed away in the same hospital where my father was practicing.
i wrote the background and how this mess that i'm in got started in my old blog,
www.pkblogs.com/soultrips

that man,
who himself was a doctor,
has lost his sanity.

he took the stand,
and said it out sitting at the seat that "i will not let you live in peace."

i'm not sure what i'm up against,
but i know for a fact that i will win the case inshallah.


this case,
sitting through the hearings is one of the hardest things i have ever had to do.
these hearings were long,
and i had to sit through every minute of it.

you don't know what it feels like when strangers are discussing your life,
and you are expected to sit there and listen,
to a life that you have lived.
the tears that you have cried.
the minutes that you have spent.
the pain that you have suffered.

you don't know what it feels like when strangers are reading a piece of paper on

which every breath that you have taken is written.

i saw the papers and files when my lawyer came to see me,
and she was asking me questions about my life.

at one point i said something,
and she interrupted me and said "but it says here that blah blah blah"
all i was able to say to her then was "okay, if it's written on a piece of paper, then

that must be how it happened."

i didn't say it to embarass her,
but noone knows what it feels like.

i opened up one of the files to see what was in it,
and there was a record of my daily activities for that particular day,
minute by minute.

i don't know why i'm writing all this.
i think i want to remember all the feelings i felt.
and i have been feeling ever since the beginning of the case.

like i mentioned in the beginning,
i had forgotten too much.
and being reminded of it all was much too painful.

i think now i feel that if i remember,
and then am reminded of,
it won't hurt as much.

when i was telling my story,
i cried.

and everyone in that room cried with me.

and somehow...
that made it easier to say..

but it didn't make it better.


but i got through it.

that time has passed.
i made it through.

i have never even once thought of taking revenge for whatever happened to me.
and what was done to my family and friends.

my God has always given me the strength.
and has always shown me the better path to take.

all i want now is my life back.

i'm just another person like everyone else.
what difference will my living in a normal house,
with my wife,
my kids,
my small family,
in a small town,
in any city,
in any country,
make to anyone else in this world?

no difference.


i think it would not be blasphemous of me to think or even say that i deserve a life

too,
don't i?



"Strange days have found us
And through their strange hours
We linger alone
Bodies confused
Memories misused
As we run from the day
To a strange night of stone"



(everyone must read the spectacular review i got of my blog @

http://www.italk2much.com/)

another turning point..

i'm taking the witness stand myself today.

i'm nervous and i'm anxious.
i don't know what questions will be thrown at me,
and how i will react to them.
but i know that me going up there is something i have to do.
i need to do.

it will be all over today.

the next hearing will be the verdict.

please pray for me.
for my case.
for my life.
for my future.

i will write about the case inshallah in a couple of days.
at the moment i'm really busy with it,
but i promise i will write about it in detail.

BlogthoughtNo.4 : They say it isn't possible.

it was january 2002.
that's when i first messaged her on msn.

february 2002,
i asked her if she would be my valentine.
she said yes.
and we're still together mashallah.

december of 2003.
that's when i got married to my cousin againt my will.

summer of 2004.
that's when i was shot and had my accident and i became paralyzed.

summer of 2005.
my family.
my friends.
my parents.
anyone i ever knew was killed.

summer 2006.
i stood up and i started walking.
my paralysis kept getting better.

november 15, 2006.
my case is in the court and i'm on the verge of winning it.

2007.
i'll be a free man.
i will have a family.
i will have friends.
i will have a home.


they said and they thought it wasn't possible.

sailing fast

what a great song by one of our local bands.
anyone who hasn't heard it must listen to it atleast once.
these paki boys make me proud with their music.

update of my case..
well...
tomorrow my witnesses take the stand.
i'm a little stressed about it,
i don't know why.

anyone and everyone who reads this,
please say a prayer that all goes well for me.

i will write next with the updates about the case in 2 days inshallah.

questions

what does one do of all the thoughts in the head?
all the feelings in the heart?

there are times when you have a good,
positive feeling about something.
and the very next day you're questioning that same damn thing.

i don't want to question.
i don't want to plan.

i have started questioning.
way too much.

i keep thinking.
i keep looking at alternatives.
i keep looking for alternatives.

what will i do when all this is over?
where will i go?
will i ever be able to walk again?
if i start walking again,
what if something happens and i'm back to square one?
am i scared?
do i still believe?
should i stay here or go back to the states?
should i even go back there at all?
will i ever be okay?
will i be able to keep her happy?
will my family ever be safe?
will i ever lead a normal life again?


where is life taking me?

where has God brought me?

in this moment,
i'm lost.

i don't like this feeling i'm feeling.

i'm tired.
i'm exhausted.

i don't want to go on anymore.
but i also know i'll be better tomorrow.

Blogwordoftheday: Sorry

the end is the beginning

my case opened in the court yesterday.

i was supposed to fly to the states for the hearings,
but i went to india on thursday and asked my doctor if i can fly,
and he didn't clear me.

so i am still here,
but i saw the proceedings through the video camera etc.

now that i cannot fly and be there for my case,
that changed alot of things.
first basic thing that changes is that i cannot be cross-questioned.
but the judge said that since i will be present and listening and watching everything,
if need be,
i will be questioned via satellite.

last night only the opening statements took place,
and the defence and the judge were told of my absence.

my lawyer N,
she did well.
she's a tough woman.
and she is well prepared for the case.

rich and jeff tell me she's one the best in the business,
and inshallah she will get me my justice.
i'm happy wth her.
i like her.

the next hearing is in a weeks time.
i'm told that getting such a quick hearing date is great,
and that means the judge knows there is no case for the defence.

this mess that i am in,
should be over really soon.
inshallah.

Blogwordoftheday: Complete

it's a moment.

i hear her voice and she says "hello"
and i smile.

i know my day has begun.
i know my reason for being.
i know my world is complete.